Head First
by Topsy
Summary: This story takes place a few hours after the end of "Countdown."


**Author's Note:** This fanfic is probably pretty cliché, and over-done. But I felt like writing it my way, because I haven't seen anything exactly like this. (I don't think.) But then, I've only been reading Castle fanfiction for like a month. I want to thank Jess for beta-ing for me. We still make a good team, even six years later!

**Summary:** This story takes place a few hours after "Countdown" ended. (I know, not the best summary ever, but I'm not good at this part.) Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Castle to do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for a short time.

* * *

Kate raised her hand to knock on the door to Castle's apartment. She tapped on it a few times and waited, hearing the sounds of the television being turned off, or paused, and then his feet shuffling beyond the door. His doorman had let her up without notifying Castle, because she was such a frequent presence at his place. She was grateful for it. A part of her was curious to see Castle's reaction to her arrival. Before he had left the precinct, she had been sure he was going to ask her something important, but then Josh had showed and Castle had retreated, and she knew he would be surprised to see her tonight. She tried to ignore the voice in her head that said she _wanted_ him to be happy to see her.

She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her thick winter coat and bit her lip. She heard the locks turning and then the door opened. His reaction didn't disappoint her.

He grinned wide and breathed her name. "Kate."

"Hi."

They stood there looking at each other for a few moments, before she continued. "Can I co—"

"Yeah, yeah. Come in, come in," he said, as he leaned forward and grabbed her forearms with both of his hands, pulling her inside. He let go of her to shut and lock the door, then was standing in front of her again. Another grin spread across his face. "Missed me, did ya?"

She scowled at him. "Shut up, Castle."

He mimed zipping his lips and flicking away a key, but spoke again anyway. "Can I take your coat?" he asked.

"Actually… no. I think… I'll keep it on." She could still feel the chill from the freezer settled deep in her bones.

He nodded, as if he understood completely, and then followed her gaze to the couch where he had been resting before her arrival. The couch was piled high with blankets, the television was paused, and there was a steaming mug of coffee sitting on the table in front of the couch. He met her gaze again and shrugged. "I know exactly what you mean about still being cold." He rubbed his hands up and down his arms, which were covered by a thick gray sweatshirt. "I came home and decided to burrow up with something warm to drink and a comfort movie." He didn't mention the two shots of whiskey he had downed before brewing the coffee.

"What're you watching?" she asked, and stepped closer to the television.

"Star Wars." He grinned. "An oldie, but a goodie. Want some coffee?"

"Yes, please."

He started toward the kitchen. "It's decaf, but I can make you some regular if you want."

"Decaf is fine. It's late." He bobbed his head and pulled a mug out of the cupboard. He poured it for her, then handed her the drink.

Kate grinned at the white mug in her hand with the bold black words, "Writer Boy," written on it. Lanie had given Castle the mug two Christmases ago for their work gift exchange. It reminded Kate of the picture frame Ryan had given her with a picture of her and Castle in it. In the picture, they were standing over some files on her desk, grinning at each other in a moment of clarity during a case. She had discreetly placed the picture frame on the mantle in her living room and tried to avoid staring at it on her loneliest nights.

"When are Martha and Alexis supposed to be home?" she asked, meeting Castle's eyes again. She rubbed her thumbs over the mug, trying to draw warmth from it. Her fingers felt like icicles.

"Not until morning. But it will probably be pretty early, knowing Alexis. She was desperate to come home tonight, but my mother doesn't like driving at night, and I convinced them to stay in the Hamptons until the morning." He didn't tell her that he had told Martha he was planning on spending the evening with Beckett, to be close to her after the two near-death experiences they had had in just one day. But his plans had been foiled when Josh showed up at the precinct.

Kate nodded and walked back to the living room. He followed her and handed her one of the blankets from the couch. She placed her coffee on the table, then drew off her coat and laid it over the arm of the couch. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and he did the same to himself with another blanket. Then she picked up her coffee, sat down, and drew her knees up to her chest as she cradled the hot coffee. He sat beside her, crossing his legs under him. One of his knees bumped her thigh, but she didn't seem to notice, or didn't mind, so he left it there, resting against her. They weren't touching anywhere else, but were sitting close enough to share body heat. He grabbed another blanket and spread it over their laps.

"There you go, m'lady," he said.

"Dork," she retorted. He grinned at her. She smiled tiredly back at him. "Thank you." Her voice was quiet and withdrawn. She knew he wanted to ask her if she was alright, but for once he remained silent.

He picked up the remote for the TV and pressed play. He turned the volume down, so they could still hear it, but low enough in case they wanted to talk. And then he settled in.

Kate could feel the questions he wasn't asking swirling in the air between them. He was not asking _very_ loudly. The corners of her lips turned up just slightly and she waited him out, knowing it wouldn't be long before he couldn't resist anymore. He was, after all, a talker.

And then, "Hell of a day?" He repeated from their earlier conversation, trying to bring levity to the mood she seemed to be in. He smiled at her.

She wanted to smile at his humor, but found that she couldn't. She glanced at him, then back at her coffee. "Yeah… Josh and I broke up."

He was silent for just a second, but in that short amount of time, she could almost hear the dozens of questions that were popping in to his head.

"I'm so sorry, Kate." He finally said, his voice gentle, without a trace of the humor it normally possessed.

She was surprised at his response. She looked up at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. She nodded, and then looked back down to her coffee. "Me too," she said quietly.

"What happened?" He finally asked when she didn't volunteer anything else.

She sighed softly, settling further in to the couch. "He's going to Haiti."

"I thought he was staying—"

"Yeah, so did I." Her voice came out slightly harsher than she had intended, and it surprised Castle, so he remained quiet. She sighed again, louder this time. "I thought— After he came when we got out of the freezer, I thought he was going to stay. He made it seem like he was. And I thought that maybe we had a chance, you know?" She nibbled on her upper lip. "But when we got home tonight, he told me that he was leaving in a week to go to Haiti. For a month, maybe longer. I, uh, I hadn't told him about the bomb, so I can't blame him for his awful timing, but it just… it sucked." She stopped, unsure of how much she should tell Castle. She wasn't used to opening up this way, but after their conversation in the decontamination tent, she felt like she needed to finish it. "He didn't even think about how I would feel."

Castle reached out and rubbed her shoulder gently. She patted his hand and then let go, so he retreated.

"That's not fair," Castle murmured.

"No, it's not. But at the same time, it's not fair of me to ask him not to go. So I didn't. Because being a detective means everything to me. It's who I am. I get killers off the street and I help families find closure. That's what's important to me. For Josh, it's helping people as a doctor. That's what's important to him. And I couldn't ask him to give that up."

"So you ended it?"

She nodded. "He asked me to come visit him in Haiti for a few weeks somewhere in the middle. He thought that we could make it work. So I told him what I just told you, about our jobs, and that we never had time for each other, and that I didn't think it was working out between us." She shrugged, and tried to keep her voice from catching. "He just… He agreed. And that was that. He kissed my cheek and then he just… left."

"So, no yelling and screaming or throwing vases and lamps at each other's heads?" Castle tried to lighten the moment, his lips curving at the corners.

She choked out a small laugh. "No. It was very amicable and mature and quiet. Just like our relationship. Quiet and without any effort or energy." She surprised herself by revealing that to him. She never meant to say so much when she started talking to Castle, but her thoughts somehow always managed to escape as words around him.

"Oh, Kate." Castle wrapped his arm around her shoulder and for once she let herself lean in to him. She dropped her head to his shoulder and just rested. Castle nuzzled the top of her head, not exactly a kiss, but not exactly not a kiss, either.

They sat that way for a few minutes before he spoke again, treading lighting. "You know you're not a failure, don't you?"

How did he always know exactly what she was feeling? Sometimes it was so aggravating, but now she just wanted to weep. Her voice sounded clogged when she spoke. "My relationships never work out. I hate that I do it, but I always keep one foot out the door."

He cut her off. "You just haven't dated the right person yet, Kate. There's nothing wrong with you. You will find that person, the one you can dive into things with. You might be stubborn and difficult, but you're not emotionally distant or closed off." He rubbed his cheek against her head. "I know you, Kate. I've been working closely with you for three years. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know… except for Alexis, of course." They both smiled. "You will be happy some day. There is someone out there for you, who will fight for you, and chase after you when you try and run away. Someone who will put all of his effort and energy into being with you and being there for you."

Why did she feel like he was talking about himself? He acted like he knew, not that he hoped she would find this someday, but that he knew she would. Sometimes, _they_ felt inevitable to her. She was afraid of him, afraid of them and what they could be, but she felt like it was something she couldn't stop, even if she tried. But did she want to try anymore? She was so tired of running. And sometimes Castle seemed like the light that she should be running towards, not away from.

Kate turned her face into his shoulder and he felt the wetness of her tears against his skin. She sighed heavily. "I don't know, Castle."

"Josh wasn't the one for you. You've known that for a long time." He paused, waiting for her to nod her agreement. When she did, he continued. "I think you will surprise yourself one day, when you know that the person you've found is right for you. You're the bravest woman I know. You're like Super Woman." He squeezed her and she felt his smile against her hairline.

She huffed out a chuckle and lifted her head to look at him. "You just want to see me in a cape."

"You're forgetting something very important, Detective Beckett." She raised her eyebrows at him. He wiggled his back at her. "Spandex."

She rolled her eyes, then stilled when she felt his fingers on her face, rubbing away the tears on her cheeks. She stared into his eyes, solemnity returning to the moment. Kate didn't know if he was right, didn't think he was, yet here he sat, this wonderful man, telling her that he thought she could do it. That she could overcome everything she feared if she just let herself try. Kate hesitated, her hand lifted towards him, before she gathered up some of that courage to rest her palm on his cheek. She brushed her fingers across his cheekbones. Maybe it was time to really trust him, to trust herself. "What if I'm too scared to ever make that leap?" she whispered.

"Use your cape," he snarked. Kate squinted her eyes and reached around to twist his ear. "Ow, ow, apples!" He rubbed his ear when she let go. "Sheesh. You're so violent."

"I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here, Castle! I'd have thought you'd be all over this, like ants on a breadcrumb."

"Hey! I don't appreciate the comparison to insects."

And then he sobered up, his eyes turning serious again. She bit her lip, watching the moment transform in front of her. He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. "If you get too scared, then all you have to do is ask for some help." _Ask me_, he implied silently.

She looked down, looked away, chewing on her lip. She dangled one foot off the cliff, daring herself to leap. When she started to speak again, she met his eyes. "You're my partner." He nodded. "And my best friend," she said quietly. He didn't look surprised by her admission, like he already knew. Because he did know; he knew more about her than she knew about herself sometimes. She paused, using that time to dig even deeper for more courage; the courage to do what scared her. _Them._ And then she leapt. "What if we ruin what we already have?" she whispered.

The fear in her eyes was as bright and as clear as the sun, so he squeezed her a little tighter, even as awe and warmth and shock filled him up. He hadn't expected her to go there, not this soon after Josh. But she surprised him more often than she realized. "It doesn't have to go like that. I can't make you any promises, because neither one of us can predict the future. But I can promise you that I will put all of my energy into us, always fight for you, and never let go. And I will help you do the same."

She was grateful that he didn't try to deny what she meant. She had seen the surprise in his eyes, but he had taken it in stride. His strength gave her courage.

She gnawed on her lip and stared at his chin. He wanted to kiss her teeth away, but instead, he just waited for her to respond. When she didn't, lost in her thoughts, he continued on. "I've been waiting on you, Kate. Waiting on you to catch up with me. And if you're not ready, then I will keep waiting. I'd wait forever for you, Kate." His fingers stroked along the side of her face. "And when you're ready, I'll be here."

Castle couldn't help it; he brushed a soft kiss across her cheek, trying to reassure her. Her face was open and full of terror, but also hope. He desperately wished for the right emotion to win the battle that she was fighting within herself. He watched her eyes and waited. And he knew the exact moment she gave in to her heart. Her eyes tightened ever so slightly as her determination set in and a little bit of his detective shined through.

And then, _thank you, God_, her lips were on his. And this kiss was everything their last kiss wasn't. Real, honest, raw, open, heavy, and a million other words Castle would think of if his brain wasn't otherwise occupied. Both of their hands were busy, stroking and petting each other's faces and diving into each other's hair, as their mouths crashed together, a tangle of lips, tongue, and teeth. And then she moaned, that soft little sound he remembered so distinctly from their last kiss, and his entire body tightened with arousal.

He pulled her back, panting, and she rested her forehead against his. "Rick," she murmured, hungry for more.

"Kate, are you sure you want to do this? I want you to be absolutely sure you're ready for this." Because he knew he could be overwhelming and too much, and he wasn't sure she was ready for that. Ready for his all-consuming passion for her. She seemed to be rushing into this, into them, in a move that was so unlike her. He needed her to be sure.

She tumbled the rest of the way into his lap, throwing her arms around his shoulders and pressing her face into his neck. "Yes. I'm terrified, but yes." She leaned back and smiled tremulously at him, her heart beating wildly in her chest, like a bird beating its wings against its cage. "After today, Castle, I'm just… I'm tired of wasting time. Life is too short and today proved that to us. The next time we get locked in a freezer, or come face to face with a bomb, we might not make it out. And I don't want to face another one of those moments and wish I had taken that dive in with you. I know that it's going to be hard, and I'm going to… fight this, and you. But I… I trust you to help me."

He grinned. "We're going to have plenty of time for fighting, Kate. And loving." He wiggled his eyebrows at her. "You'll be so tired of me by the time we're old, that you'll wish you had waited a little longer."

"You can't promise me time, Rick. No matter how much you wish you could."

Castle refused to let her bring him down, because he was so happy that he felt like his heart might explode right out of his chest. "Well then, I guess we better make up for lost time." He tumbled her down on to the couch and attacked her neck, feathering her with kisses, using his lips, and teeth, and five o'clock shadow to tickle her.

Kate laughed, wrapping arms and legs around him and holding on tight. She felt that bird in her heart find freedom from its cage and fly free, taking all of her fear and sorrow with it.

And she dove in head first.


End file.
